redde memoriae
by djchika
Summary: Magnus disappears and Alec does everything he can to find him. A year later they finally do only to discover that all of Magnus' memories are still missing.
1. Chapter 1

Alec knew something was wrong the moment he stepped through the doors.

"Magnus?" he called out in a deliberately calm voice even as his hand went to his seraph blade, unsheathing and activating it. He closed the door, slowly moving from the foyer to the living room.

Trained eyes surveyed the room, his ears straining to catch movement in the loft. Everything was exactly where they had left them, including the book Magnus had been reading when Alec found him sleeping on the couch the night before.

Guilt stabbed at him at the memory. Magnus had fallen asleep on the couch because he had been waiting up for Alec. They had agreed to portal to Bangkok for dinner, but a demon attack in the middle of Soho took precedence.

Alec had been hoping to make it up to Magnus that night with a home cooked meal, but an unscheduled and frankly incredibly boring meeting with the Council had kept him later than he intended.

Coming home to an empty apartment was unexpected which only served to add to his discomfort. Magnus was supposed to be home hours ago.

Alec quickly went through each of the loft's rooms, some of the tension easing when he reached their bedroom and found nothing out of place.

He sheathed his blade and forced himself to ignore the prickly feeling at the back of his neck. Jace would chalk it up to adrenaline. It was always easier to assume a demon was about to attack when you had fought a demon less than two hours ago.

Groaning, Alec sat on the bed and made quick work of the laces on his boots. He put them aside, pulling of his shirt and his socks and tossing them into the hamper.

The door to the bathroom beckoned with the promise of a hot shower but he needed to start cooking if he wanted dinner ready before Magnus arrived.

He padded out of the room barefoot, fishing his phone out of his pocket to send Magnus a text when a flash of red out on the balcony caught his eye.

Alec slowly walked over to the double doors, his breath coming out in short gasps as the item came into full focus.

Magnus' omamori charm.

He opened the doors and picked up the charm, goosebumps erupting across his skin that had nothing to do with the chilly night air.

The growing weight on his chest was a stark contrast to the light fabric between his fingertips.

There was no way that Magnus would have left it behind, not even accidentally.

Something was definitely wrong.


	2. Chapter 2

" _Magnus, get up and let's go back inside this is ridiculous," Alec said, shivering as a gust of wind blew past him carrying with it an icy chill._

 _Every surface around them was covered with sparkling white snow. It had snowed enough for it to be considered what the mundane's called a Snow Day and yet Alec had somehow found himself dragged from their warm, comfortable home out into the bitter cold by his insistent boyfriend._

" _Alexander," Magnus said, getting up from where he had been collecting a mound of the offending material and giving Alec his now patented I-don't-care-if-you're-the-new-head-of-the-institute-you-can't-order-me-around eyeroll. "I understand that being raised in the Institute has resulted in you neglecting certain areas of your life and I accept this part of you wholeheartedly. However, I am not going to let another day go by without you building a snowman."_

 _Alec groaned, regretting he had ever said anything to Magnus. The day had started out peacefully enough, over breakfast Alec had mentioned in passing that he never understood the mundane children's desire to play in the snow which led to him confessing that he himself had never played in the snow, had never even built a snowman._

 _Somehow the warlock had decided it was a great egregiousness that needed to be rectified immediately._

 _Alec wanted nothing less than to kneel in the cold, wet, snow but they both knew he was powerless to say no to Magnus._

" _Fine," he finally relented. "But you're making me hot cocoa after this."_

 _He stomped over to Magnus, shivering once more when a second gust of wind blew past them._

" _If we both don't die from pneumonia first," Alex muttered._

 _Magnus gave him another exaggerated eye roll before waving his hands around them finishing with a snap._

 _Warmth immediately flooded Alec as if he had a personal campfire lit from within his clothes._

" _Better?" Magnus asked, fixing Alex's collar and giving him a kiss.._

" _Much. Thanks," Alec replied with a grin, more receptive to Magnus' idea now that he wasn't going to freeze to death. "Now how do you make a snowman?"_

Alec brushed snow off his jacket as he walked up to the loft doors, taking a steadying breath before unlocking them.

Darkness greeted him, deep and suffocating.

He didn't bother turning on the lights, navigating easily around the barely illuminated room and heading straight to the low side table.

Outside, snow was falling in thick blankets, making his usual sprint home more strenuous than usual. An odd occurrence considering it was late April.

Izzy had insisted he stay at the Institute before he left. She already disapproved of him using his speed rune to get to and from Brooklyn. More so in what could easily be considered a blizzard.

"Come on, Alec," Izzy had pressed. "You can stay in your old room. Or you and Jace can have a sleepover in my room. Like when we were kids."

"I'll be fine, Iz. We're not kids anymore. I can take care of myself."

"It's just one night, Alec," Izzy pleaded, opening her mouth to say more then closing it quickly. The rest of what she had wanted to say were left unspoken.

It was just one night.

Magnus has been gone for five months.

They had been searching for him every day since then and the chance of him suddenly appearing at the loft were slim to none.

Still Alec wasn't willing to risk it. Magnus could come back and if he did, Alec was going to be sure he was somewhere Magnus could find him.

He poured himself a glass of whiskey from the decanter on the table. The bright amber liquid reminded him of even brighter amber eyes and he quickly downed the glass, grimacing as it burned a trail down his throat.

The silence of the apartment used to bring him comfort after a long day at work, but now it only served to heighten the loss of Magnus' presence.

He had moved nothing since Magnus' disappearance, even the book that Magnus had been reading was left on the couch. The bookmark nestled between the pages exactly where Magnus had placed it.

He didn't want to move it so that if Magnus came back - when Magnus came back, he corrected himself - when Magnus came back he would be glad that Alec had been thoughtful enough to save his place.

Alec held the cold glass against his temple pushing it against a bruise he had sustained in an earlier training session. He tried to focus on the pain, mindlessly watching the light from outside the window cast dancing shadows on the couch.

Such a simple piece of furniture had been witness to both the best and worst times of Alec's life.

It felt like his life had started on that couch. After a night of drinks and conversation with a Warlock he barely knew, Alec had felt more alive than he ever had in his years of existence.

He remembered the ease in which he had opened up to Magnus, talking about growing up in the Institute, his interests outside of his duties, everything except the one thing he was trying to avoid.

Magnus had listened as if Alec was the most interesting person he'd ever known, as if centuries of living didn't compare to the young Shadowhunter sitting in his couch.

During that first night they were two old friends enjoying each other's company, ignoring the spark of something more just beneath the surface.

When he had finally let that spark roar into an unextinguishable flame Alec's world had opened up to dizzying possibilities.

His life had started on that couch.

And it was on that same couch that Caterina gave him the news that caused his world to crumble.

He squeezed his eyes shut as memories came to him unbidden.

 _Caterina stared at Alec, grief etched on the lines of her face. "I can't feel his magic."_

" _No," he heard a female voice gasp from far away._

 _Alec struggled to let air in his lungs. "Don't even think it. Magnus is alive."_

 _He could be. The same thing happened with Dot._

 _He was. Magnus was alive._

 _They just needed to find him._

" _Alec-" Jace began._

" _Back off," Alec practically growled. "He's alive. I know it."_

" _I was going to say we should go back to the Institute so Izzy can check all the waterways and ports," Jace said carefully. When it was clear he wasn't going to get his head bitten off again he turned to Catarina. "Everyone in the Downworld knows Magnus, ask anyone you know-"_

 _Catarina shook her head. "Letting the Downworlders know someone as powerful as Magnus is, is-," she stuttered, so unlike the strong, confident woman Alec had gotten to know her to be. "-is missing could be catastrophic. But I'll put the word out to a few people I trust."_

" _We'll find him Alec," Izzy said, hugging her brother close._

Alec rubbed his face with his hand, not at all surprised when it came away wet.

It had been months and they had chased cold lead after cold lead and they still knew nothing.

Magnus was gone.

Alec gripped the glass but stopped himself from pouring himself another drink. One would be enough to help him fall asleep.

It would be a restless sleep but it was all he deserved.

When Alec wasn't at the loft he was at the Institute joining every mission he possibly could. No one questioned him or tried to talk him out of it. If the head of the Institute wanted to do grunt work, then who were they to ask questions.

But the truth was no one asked questions because they all knew the answer. And as much as some of them hated Alec for who he loved, no one was going to disrespect a fellow Shadowhunter in mourning.

Even if it was just over some Downworlder.

"Come on, Alec." Max wheedled, "just blow the candle and make a wish. We won't even sing you happy birthday."

Beside him, Madzie who had insisted on bringing in his birthday cake, nodded solemnly, her eyes big and sad as if not singing to Alec was a great sacrifice.

Alec smiled and shook his his head. "The two of you are going to you-know-where for using children to manipulate me," he told Jace and Izzy who were feigning innocence.

"It was completely their idea, big brother," Izzy said with an unconvincing shrug.

"Right. Who drove you the bakery, Max?"

Max looked anywhere but at Izzy. "I don't know."

Alec laughed, ruffling his hair. "You need to learn to become a better liar with all the trouble you get into."

"Just be thankful Izzy didn't bake the cake," Jace said followed by a loud "Hey!" From Izzy.

"Is it time to blow the candle yet?" Madzie asked impatient, holding up the cake to Alec again.

He knelt down beside her, taking the large cake from her before she ended up dropping it on the floor. "Yes, it's time. And I don't mind if you sing for me, Madz."

The small girl's face lit up and she immediately started on an enthusiastic rendition of Happy Birthday joined by Izzy, Jace and Max.

"Make a wish!" Madzie ordered at the end of the song.

Alec closed his eyes and made a wish

It same wish he made every night.

One that he was still waiting to come true.

" _Happy Birthday," Magnus' voice whispered into Alec's ear._

 _The morning sun filtered into the room soft and warm, particles of dust dancing in the rays of light. Alec opened his eyes slowly, a wide grin spreading on his face when he saw Magnus sitting at the edge of the bed, a breakfast tray laid out in front of him._

" _Is this for me?" Alec asked, sitting up and running a hand through his bedraggled hair._

 _Magnus shook his head, the fond smile he gave Alec warmed him more than the sun ever could._

" _Of course it's for you," He said cupping Alec's cheek and giving him a soft kiss. "How many of your birthdays do we have to spend together before you accept that this is your special day?"_

 _Alec pulled Magnus closer for a deeper kiss, careful not to jostle Magnus' carefully prepared breakfast tray._

" _Everyday is special as long as I'm with you."_

Alec lay alone in the large bed, staring at the slivers of moonlight that painted the ceiling silver and blue.

One hand clutched the bedsheet next to him as large gasping sobs racked his body.

"Magnus," he whispered, the words leaving his lips like a prayer, hoping that whatever Angels might be listening would hear his plea.

It felt like they never did.

"Izzy, I swear by the Angel if Raj is wrong about this I'm going to stab him in the heart with my stele." Jace's voice carried from Izzy's room to where Alec was rounding the corner on the way to the training room.

"Not my blade, but my stele," Jace clarified, "so that it doesn't go in smoothly. He's going to feel his ribs break before I crush his heart."

Alec raised his eyebrows but didn't question his parabatai's ire. Raj was tactless, bordering on rude and he and Jace had butted heads more times than he could count. Jace threatening him was a bi-monthly occurrence.

"That was disturbingly graphic," a second unfamiliar male voice said.

"Clary, can you please shut him up," Jace snapped.

Right. Must be the vampire.

Alec wasn't in the habit of eavesdropping, but the four of them together in one room piqued his curiosity. Jace might be less hostile towards Simon, but he avoided the vampire as much as he could. Hanging out in Izzy's room with him was necessity not want.

He slowed his steps as he neared the door to Izzy's room which was slightly ajar.

"Where is he now?"

"They're bringing him to the Institute. I figured it would be safer. Catarina will be here soon too. They should be arriving in an hour."

"Shouldn't we tell Alec?" Clary asked. "He deserves to know."

Alec raised his eyebrows at that. She didn't mean that he deserved to know as head of the Institute. Whatever they were talking about it had something to do with him.

"You've seen how he is. If we tell him and it isn't true I don't know what it would do to Alec. We don't even know if it's really him."

"I saw him, Jace." Izzy's voice was small. "He looks exactly like him."

"But he didn't recognize you?"

"No. Which is why I agree we need to be discreet," Izzy's voice said. "We can't get Alec's hopes up and then get his heart broken all over again. I don't think he'll survive losing Magnus a second time."

Alec's heart stopped at the mention of Magnus' name, his chest felt weighed down, crushed by an unseen force. He barely heard Izzy's next words through the rushing in his ears.

"It could be a demon or a shifter or some other creature we don't know. But, Jace if this is Magnus. If Magnus is alive-"

Alec didn't even realize he had been moving closer to Izzy's room until he was pushing the door open. Izzy, Jace and Clary had their backs to him and was only alerted to his presence by the vampire flapping his hands and babbling inefficiently.

"Alec-" Someone was talking. Jace. He didn't hear what he was saying, focusing his attention on Izzy. Her expressive eyes showed shock, fear, heartbreak, pity, hope.

Hope.

Alec staggered forward.

Magnus.

"Oh God," he whispered feeling the room tilt as he fought to catch his breath.

He felt a strong hand grab his shoulder and lead him to sit on Izzy's bed.

"You okay, bud?"

Alec's head was spinning. They found Magnus. He was back. His head struggled to wrap around the idea even as his heart pounded in his chest at the thought of seeing Magnus again.

12 months, 25 days, 8 hours.

That was how long since he had seen Magnus. Since they had bid each other goodbye with a quick kiss on the lips and a promise to take time for dinner.

Alec had never given up hope but the fear of otherwise had consumed him every night since Magnus had disappeared.

Now that fear of never seeing Magnus again was replaced with a fear to hope he would actually see him. That what Izzy was saying was true.

He dropped his head in his hands, focused on pulling air into his lungs. In his periphery he saw Clary and Simon leave the room. He had forgotten they were in there, had forgotten everything except that Izzy thought Magnus could be alive.

Izzy crouched in front of him, placing one hand on his knee.

"Alec?"

"What happened," he asked finally raising his head to look at her and then Jace. "Tell me everything."

Izzy looked at Jace reluctantly before sitting down next to Alec. Jace moved closer to them but didn't sit, as if to make sure that Alec knew he was there.

Alec processed her words the way he would in a debriefing.

Unusual weather activity in Sandy Hook Beach had required a team to go investigate. It was a mission he had authorized last week, it was unusual but unimportant.

Raj had led the team and followed a lead to a used bookstore. A small time vampire that could have information.

That was where he had found Magnus, or at least someone who looked uncannily like him.

Raj had contacted Izzy, who had quickly gone to Catarina.

Alec felt a pang of hurt that Izzy hadn't contacted him first but understood why his sister would have trusted him to be level-headed about the discovery.

Magnus - if he was him - didn't recognize any of them but Caterina was convinced it was their Magnus. That somehow he had ended up in a mundane bookstore in New Jersey.

Somehow that was the information Alec's brain chose to focus on.

"Magnus hates New Jersey," he said, wiping away tears he didn't realize were falling.

"I know," Isabelle said with a small laugh. "But Alec, if Catarina is right, by the Angel, he's alive. Magnus is alive."

Alec nodded, unable to say anything more as his throat constricted in an effort to stop more tears from flowing. He swallowed, taking comfort in the presence of both his parabatai and his sister.

"They'll be here in an hour?" Alec asked, his voice rough with unshed tears.

Jace was the one who answered. "They had to take mundane transportation. They didn't want to spook, Ma-" Jace stopped as if saying Magnus' name would somehow jinx it. "They didn't want to spook him. As far as they can tell he knows nothing about the Shadow World."

"Caterina will help glamour the entrance so it looks like a police precinct," Izzy added.

Alec swallowed. One hour. An hour before he would know if his world would build itself back again or if his world would fall into a hole he didn't know he could climb out of.

His skin felt too tight around his body, the adrenaline in his veins making his hands shake. He couldn't just sit and wait. He needed to do something.

"I'll be at the training room. Come find me when they're here."

"I'll go with you," Jace said, standing up and heading out the door leaving no chance for Alec to object.

Alec squeezed Isabelle's hand before moving to follow Jace.

He stopped at the door, looking back at Izzy with intense eyes. "Iz, don't let them bring him downstairs to the cells. Magnus doesn't - he's not -"

"Of course." Izzy replied, as if the thought had never occurred to her. "We were going to bring him here but we can bring him to your office instead?"

Alec nodded, giving his sister a smile that spoke volumes of how much he loved her.

He found Jace in the training room ready to spar.

In the end all Jace got for his trouble was a bruised rib and a parabatai who was feeling slightly better.

Alec knew that as injured as Jace's ego was, Jace was grateful that at the very least he could help with that.

He walked away from Jace, not bothering to use the iratze rune on himself. He clenched his fist, the sharp, throbbing pain a welcome distraction from the sharp, throbbing pain in his chest.

It wouldn't do good to be overwhelmed now. He needed to get ready. He needed to be ready for Magnus.


End file.
